me, myself, and i

this year, i think i've learned how to fully depend on myself...to be independent. it feels good to be able to rely on yourself, but sometimes it's a bit tough. there has been some rough patches this year that i had to go through alone. it was hard, but i persevered. you might wonder why i didn't talk to some of my youth group members or my other friends about my problems...well, the real reason is because i feel so distant from everyone. i have times where i'm really close to a few individuals, but then things fade. maybe something's wrong with me, but that's just how things seem to end up. the youth group, well things have drastically changed. everyone's a different person now. i just can't seem to relate to anyone in the youth group anymore...

bvay's gone through a real rocky road for quite awhile now. it's affected everyone including me. it's going to take a lot to get us back to those kids who were on fire for God. everyone seems a bit distant from each other. the majority of us have lost a lot of our faith. i don't know if we've hit rock bottom...well, things could be worse i guess.

personally, my relationship with God feels non-existent. seeing everyone else blog about how touched they were by this weekend, makes me feel so blah of myself because i didn't feel much. i tried my best to take everything in, but it just didn't seem to "soak" through. i've tried restoring this relationship, but something feels like it's missing. maybe i should try some more? i don't know. i think this is especially hard for me since there's not much support from the youth group. as i mentioned before, a lot of them are hanging by a thin string right now...and some of those strings look like they're going to snap any moment now.

i know i have many friends to turn to. one in particular, i can talk to about anything. he helped me with just bits of advice when my parents' relationship were on the edge. he helped me with some of the youth group drama. lately, he's just been really busy and i haven't got a chance to share all these things i've been thinking about. i know i have the girls (quyen, gloria, daphne, etc) .. but sometimes i feel like i have TOO many problems for them to hear. LOL, they've heard a lot of my problems in the past already... but i don't know. i know you guys are always there for me and i thank you all for that. then there's another person who i wish i could tell everything, but i can't.

would i sound kind of emo if i say that writing is one of the greatest friends i've had? writing helps keep me sane. it helps me realize things i wouldn't have seen. wow, do i sound like a loser? LOL. i think i kinda do! but yes, i think that's all i have to say.

xoxo,
becca