take a breather

i'm a bit frantic at the moment as i'm trying to juggle the sudden change in what i want for my future, work, school, and whatever else there is. honestly, sometimes i feel like seriously giving up. why am i working so hard? what's it all for? is it really all for myself? i have no answers to these questions. i think the main reason why i feel like giving up is because i'm not working towards anything. i have no defined goal that keeps me motivated to continue doing what i'm doing.

its as if my brain functions differently from everyone. everyone seemed to slack off and not care in grade 9 & 10, but then get all serious for grade 11 & 12. i, on the other hand, cared a lot about school in my first two years. but now... school just seems ... i don't know, i can't really find the words to explain it. ugh, wtf is happening to me. it's like i've suddenly become this apathetic person. seriously...grades 9-11, i didn't change that much. but right now... i feel like i'm a different person. my values and what not have dramatically changed. i used to care about everything. i was a control freak. i would always go crazy over the smallest things that people did & the choices that they made. now? i could care less. go smoke a blunt. go get wasted. go have sex. go ahead. do what you please. if you knew me from before, i would have never thought or said such things.

what the hell has happened to me?